Waiting

Waiting has got to be the worst part. Unless you're the person that’s being waited for…then you definitely have the worst part. I really don’t like the waiting, as evidenced by the small puddles under my hands on my laptop.

I’m the type of person that gets shaky and clammy and short of breath and feels like I could burst into tears at any moment. Drinking my second ridiculously huge coffee probably isn’t doing much to calm the nerves. Andy is in surgery right now. Me? I’m sitting helplessly…waiting.

To recap: Andy’s eye issue that I’ve mentioned before hasn’t gotten better and while they still think it’s a pseudo-tumor (just inflammation), the doctors wanted to do a biopsy to be sure. It’s a quick procedure, but a procedure none-the-less. By looking at me, you’d think he was having open-heart surgery. He will be out under general anesthesia though, and to me, the whole thing is just scary.

Nothing will go wrong and soon I’ll be back up in is room, where we just left. You’d never know that he was about to go into surgery the way we were laughing and carrying on in there…being as silly as always, sitting like we were glued together on his tiny little hospital bed, chatting about nothing and having a grand time doing it. And when this is all over, and he’s feeling better, we’ll do it all over again.

I just wish I could do something; help somehow. According to Andy, I will be in there with him, in the form of his wedding ring. When I asked him if he wanted me to hold it during surgery, he looked at me like I was insane and informed me that it was going in with him. Awwwww…

But the waiting always makes your mind go places that you don’t want it to go, and you try quickly to push those thoughts out of your head. You try to think about what you’re going to do after the surgery, and how you’re going to dote on him (even more than you already do), and what you’ll make him to eat when he’s hungry. You think about how soon he will be back to being silly, and all the things that he does that make you giggle, and all your inside jokes. You think about how fantastic your weekend was, even though he wasn’t feeling great and all you did was sit around, reading, listening to music, and just being together. We say it all the time…being together is all we want…no matter where. We could be at a luxury resort on the beach or holed up in the house all weekend…same amount of goodness.

So many memories of so many times have flown through my mind this morning. I love each and every one of them, and I love him, more than I ever truly thought possible. We’ll start making new memories very soon, but the memory I’m most looking forward to making at this moment is the one when I give him a kiss in the recovery room.

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(Post-op update: Andy is doing well, although he’s a bit goofy from the pain meds and has a patch over one eye. I’ll save the pirate jokes for when he’s feeling a bit better. For now, it’s just such a relief to be able to hold his hand…)